By Nancy Mbaegbu
My gistlovers, seems like celebrity marriages now come with expiry dates. No be love again o. Na limited time offer. One minute it’s white gowns, hashtags, and “God when,” the next minute it’s cryptic Instagram quotes and unfollowing spree. Honestly, na only the Asoebi vendors dey win and cash out for this industry.
In December 2022, Basketmouth, our Minister of Laughter and Chief Controller of Cruise just casually dropped one breakup announcement like person wey dey order small chops and forget say he no add spring roll. No warning, no tension build-up, just “After much deliberation…” and boom! Marriage of 12 years vanished like fuel subsidy.
People weak, because the packaging for the marriage sweet die; couple of skits, cuddly photos, anniversary overload. Social media nearly burn down. Everybody dey refresh page, dey expect Part 2, but nothing came. No explanation, no scandal, just press release and vanish mode.
Fast forward to 2024. One fine babe with waist wey fit bend camera; Miz Vick! TV host and media darling, started popping up beside our dear comedian like update wey phone no reject. People think say “maybe it’s PR.”
Next thing? Engagement photos drop like puff puff for political rally. Ring dey shine, Basketmouth dey beam like man wey just win Bet Naija. But before fans fit scream “Aso-ebi alert!”, bros don rush talk say “It’s for a movie.” Movie keh? With that kind body language?
But let’s be honest, that “movie promo” gist no hold water. Because after that, both of them start to do public display of everything, hand holding, coded glances like Bluetooth pairing. No official talk, but the chemistry? strong like WiFi wey no dey drag. But fans decode like subtitle wey hang for mid-scene.
Then AMVCA 2025 land. Basket mouth and Miz Vic show face like king and queen of post-divorce soft life with zero shame. Eyes locked, hand joined like wedding procession.
Miz Vick dey glow, Basketmouth dey grin like fresh alert. Tell us again say na “movie promo” make thunder gently drum near your phone.
Whether it’s real love, rebound or content, Basketmouth no just move on. Bro flip heartbreak like pancake. Elsie (ex wife) dey silent. Basketmouth dey flash teeth. Miz Vick dey run soft life ministry. So my loves, some people heal in silence, others heal with a person’s ex.
JAMB Madness: Who really failed the test?
Just when you think Nigeria don calm down small, JAMB enter like action film, chest high, voice loud, claiming the low UTME scores na proof say their anti-cheat software dey work like Holy Ghost fire. “We’ve caught the cheaters,” dem brag. But once Nigerians begin ask small small questions, everywhere begin choke like generator wey drink bad fuel.
Na so JAMB change mouth like hook up babe wey dem catch with another woman husband. Suddenly, “technical glitch” show face. Over 370,000 students mostly South-East and Lagos are now being asked to rewrite. Anti-cheat wey dey catch only one region? even Wi-Fi no fit connect to that explanation.
Meanwhile, candidates don celebrate finish, do thanksgiving, even dash out textbooks. Now dem dey drag them back like NYSC call-up letter. One babe say she light candle for her JAMB result, wetin she wan do now?
As for Prof. Oloyede (JAMB Registrar), baba cry for national TV like dem collect meat from him mouth. Eyes red, nose dey run like spoilt tap and tissue no rest, yet dem still get mind tell students to rewrite. One Twitter user no gree: “You dey cry and still dey command? Oga shift!”
Online don catch fire. TikTok turn exam hall, Twitter turn courtroom. One tweet: “Only South-East fail? Cancel JAMB now!” Another shout: “No be glitch, na tribal Bluetooth.” Nigerians turn FBI, dissecting JAMB portal like poisoned village soup.
As e be now, we no sure if JAMB dey test brain, blood pressure or destiny. System error or tribal glitch, the whole thing dey smell like fish water left overnight.
Dear JAMB, if na software upgrade una wan do, abeg no use students do test run.
A visit that ended in tragedy
Everyday we wake up, Naija go release one drama. This particular gist? Omo e choke. Imagine just going to tell your ex that you’re getting married and wahala wey pass you start. That’s exactly what happened to Chisom Ayogu, who thought she was simply doing closure. Instead, she stepped into the lion’s den.
So gist fly say Chisom waka go her ex’s house, one Nsukka guy wey dem dey call Mourinho just to say she wan marry another man. In 2025? Sis, WhatsApp and block button still dey oo.
As Chisom drop the news, gbege burst. Mourinho no gree hear word. Small argument turn shouting, shouting scatter everywhere. Before you fit talk “Chisom no try,” the babe don faint. Dem rush am go hospital, but doctors talk say she don die, just like that.
Now Police don carry Mourinho go station. Naija police no dey dull for matter like this. Investigation hot like fresh puff-puff don begin. People dey split. Some blame Chisom say she no suppose go, others drag Mourinho for overreacting. Na full gist for town.
But let’s be honest, who walks into their ex’s house to announce marriage plans in person? Mature or not, not everyone dey think with sense. Text message still dey work o. Sometimes, na text dey save lives.
It’s not compulsory to do closure o. Sometimes, block and mute button go save everybody from wahala. Abeg, no turn your ex to breaking news.
A husband’s dark secrets
My people, wonders shall never end! You know those chill, late-night couple gists, dinner plans, work gists, small bants? Well, Kate’s own took a dark turn when her husband randomly said: “I’ve been raping you. I dey drug you and take pictures” Haa! Kate freeze like person wey dem stone ice for face. The man talk am like him dey read dinner menu. No remorse, no shame.
And this wasn’t breaking news o. Sometimes she go wake up mid-action, and he go claim say “I was asleep, I didn’t know what I was doing.” She even carried the matter to doctors, trying to help him “get well.” She no know say this man dey spike her tea with sleeping pills. Fear men ooo.
Guy-man dey plan bedtime rape like ritual. But instead of her to shout, she keep quiet because guess what? Na her children papa dey do am. She no wan scatter home. The emotional blackmail choke!
But her body started to protest. Weight begin vanish, panic attacks on repeat, life no balance again. Na during one heavy breakdown she confide in her sister. Sister rush call mama, mama run call police!
But soft-hearted Kate later called police back, say she no wan press charges again. Love still dey cloud her judgment small. She kuku tell the man to pack out. Love may be blind, but even blindness dey recognize red flags when e choke.
Six months later, baby girl say enough is enough. She storm police station like hurricane, report the full gist. Luckily, one correct detective join her matter, help her realise say this thing no be “naughty bedroom play.” Na full-blown CRIME.
And God no dey sleep because guess what? The man told his psychiatrist and even church people earlier. Evidence full everywhere like raffle draw tickets. Police first slow like say dem dey stream season film, but when she challenge them like the queen she be, dem collect sense and finally charged the man.
Trial don start. Mr man begin spin nonsense, say Kate liked it, say it was “bedroom fantasy”. Abeg shift! Jury no buy am. Court give am 11 years and restraining order wey go last forever. Now, Kate dey rebuild her life with her kids, healing from PTSD. Not every husband be soulmate, some na demons. Abeg, ladies, shine your eye!
*Southerner Xtra
Trending with Nancy Mbaegbu
Sunday, May 25, 2025
