By Nancy Mbaegbu
My gistlovers, na wa o. Just when we think we’ve seen it all, Nigeria still finds new script to surprise us. This time, na NYSC babe wey dey serve for Anambra, Jennifer Elohor, wey collect beating of her life from people wey call themselves Agunechemba security. Security wey suppose dey protect, na dem come turn action film villains.
According to Jennifer, she and her fellow corpers dey their lodge dey mind their business that fateful evening, when masked men with guns burst in like kidnappers. No ID card, no uniform, nothing. Just “Everybody, come outside!” like say na secondary school assembly.
At first she think say na armed robbers, only to realize say these ones dey claim “anti-Yahoo squad.” Imagine! NYSC lodge wey dey smell of Garri and Ovaltine, dem say na Yahoo base.
Jennifer vex say dem no even gree call their LGI or school proprietor before arrest. Na there gbege start. Instead of listening, these masked warriors begin scatter their lodge, unplug phone and laptop like say dem dey do PHCN disconnection.
When Jennifer raise her voice pass everybody own, one of the men ask, “Who give you liver?” Next thing, gbas gbos. Stick, slap, gun butt. Dem beat her like say she be thief, even strip her naked. Babe wey wear khaki in the morning, by evening na naked parade.
The other corpers try beg, but na more beating dem receive. Dem bundle all of them into motor, drive bush path like ritualist audition. Jennifer talk say na that point she think say her obituary don ready. Na one male corper wey remove him shirt give her to cover body small. Imagine Federal Government pikin, serving her fatherland, sitting under tree, bleeding, half-naked, surrounded by gunmen.
As if that one no pain enough, when dem finally release her, LGI wey suppose fight for them shock everybody. Baba open mouth talk say, “Some of you ladies go marry men wey dey beat woman. Take am as training.” Excuse me, sir? Training? NYSC don finally upgrade from orientation camp to domestic violence induction?
Jennifer even talk say her mind no go rest until she see those men behind bars. Dem later invite her to come identify them, she point out some faces, but few days later, she jam the same men waka freely ,for street like nothing happen. Na there she confirm say na staged arrest dem do just to shut her up.
And when she complained, LGI tells her, “Old issue, forget am.” Old issue? She never even finish rubbing Aboniki for injury! If no be say the video leak online, this matter for don die like old gist.
Anambra State Government rush come out condemn the matter, call am “unacceptable,” and claim say dem don arrest and detain the Agunechemba gladiators wey use Jennifer body rehearse wrestling. Commissioner for information sef talk say those vigilante outfits na to protect, not intimidate, and anybody wey misbehave go chop full weight of the law.
E sweet for press release sha, but people dey ask: if na true, how this kain madness even pass gate into Soludo state in the first place? Abi na demo ahead of election, small intimidation strategy, make everybody learn how to fear? Because for real life, Nigerians no dey eat grammar. We dey wait to see if action go match the plenty English.
Shortest marriage in history
My people, drama no dey ever finish for this our relationship department. Imagine doing full asoebi investment, wedding rice, DJ shouting “husband and wife” just last week, only for madam to carry divorce file like receipt after just seven days. Kai, even NEPA light dey last pass this marriage.
According to one Kunle wey carry the gist go X, the bride no waste time o. She say na two days after wedding, oga husband vex give her hot slap. Two days only! Person never even finish returning cooler from wedding reception, wahala don enter. Na so she waka go file for divorce straight. No motivational speaker fit stop her.
But the real MVP for this gist na papa of the bride. Baba no just fold hand dey look. Him carry police come pack the fresh husband like overripe tomato. You slap my pikin? You go explain am inside cell. E be like say papa don dey wait for this kind slip-up since.
Online in-laws no gree keep quiet. One Catherine yarn say, “If you no fit slap your fellow man when vex catch you, abeg no try am for woman body.” Valerie add her own with boldness: “That’s how it should be, leave on time without looking back.” Gen Z sef dey jubilate, clapping for her like say na graduation ceremony.
Another netizen even drop one serious punchline: “Marriage dey bring out true colors faster than tie and dye.” You go date person ten years, na when pastor say “you may kiss the bride” you go see werey mode activate. Scary but true.
People don dey give the babe standing ovation. One week marriage, zero tolerance for nonsense, and automatic divorce. She no allow am reach “dear Lord, give me strength” stage. Madam pack her slippers early. Abeg, who go collect bouquet for next wedding? Because this one don already turn to police case.
Education before tithes
My gistlovers, come closer o, because one pastor just scatter table wey many people dey balance on top. Inside one viral sermon, baba look him congregation eyeball to eyeball and say, “Abeg, no dey carry tithe come church when your pikin never chop book.” As in, man no even sugarcoat am, him talk am raw like fresh pepper soup.
According to the pastor, anybody wey dey rush come pay tithe while school fees still dey hang like NEPA bill no just get sense. Him say, “No be everything you go carry Holy Spirit use cover. Education na lifetime investment.” My people, when I hear am, I weak. So somebody don finally talk wetin plenty parents dey whisper for backyard!
Social media catch fire instantly. Some people dey clap like say na award-winning speech, shouting, “Preach it, man of God!” Others dey type comment with full chest: “Abeg, school fees first, tithe later. Heaven no go close if tithe wait one week.” Another savage drop am plain: “Na pikin go write exam, no be Holy Spirit.”
One babe even write, “Your pikin go carry Bible pass you for exam hall if you no pay school fees! Abi church go issue certificate for JAMB?” Meanwhile, another person jab am with sarcasm: “Make church no vex o, but if tithe fit pay school fees, abeg share account number.”
Of course, the usual “keyboard crusaders” still dey vex, shouting that pastor dey spoil heavenly investment scheme. But Nigerians no send, majority dey hail am like say him be Moses wey part Red Sea of tithe manipulation. People dey shout, “Na this kain boldness we need! Enough of using tithe pressure run parents mental.”
Las las, this pastor don turn unexpected hero. Because for a country where many dey confuse spiritual sense with common sense, baba just reset brain with one sermon. Abeg, parents, pay your school fees before you go dey do ‘alert for altar.’ Church no dey write WAEC result for anybody.
Royal rumble in university exam hall
If you think exam tension dey end with “time up, submit your papers,” my dear, Niger Delta University just proved you wrong. Instead of calculators and answer sheets, na lecturer and student carry knuckle for exam hall like say prize na “Best Fighter of the Year.” The whole class turn audience. Some dey scream, others dey record because in Nigeria, camera dey closer than common sense.
Wahala begin when oga lecturer grab madam student’s phone mid-exam as she was caught cheating. Instead of jejely walking out to face disciplinary wahala later, the babe vex, demand for her phone like soldier demanding weapon.
Before anybody fit blink, the babe vex, snatch the lecturer’s own phone straight from his hand and gbam! smash am for ground like overripe mango. From there, fight unlock.
Next thing, blow begin fly. Lecturer land am headbutt like Zidane, and the girl return uppercut like Anthony Joshua. Exam wey suppose be “answer three questions only” turn to “throw three punches only.”
X users turn the matter into open market gist. Hot takes dey fly left, right, centre. One person say: “Lecturers too dey behave like police. Just collect the script and write report.” Another drag the student: “How you go still destroy lecturer’s phone after being caught?” The comments be like owambe. Everybody dey serve different opinion with small chops of anger.
Now the confusion no be whether she cheat or not, the real argument na: who shame who pass? Some people dey defend the student “At least give her back her phone, una don already catch am.” Others dey vex for her: “How you go still smash lecturer’s phone after dem catch you?” Omo, na true say education get as e be for this country.
But abeg, where school security dey when lecturer dey exchange blows with student? Abi dem sef dey inside hall dey write exam? Na so one online user talk say “lecturers should stop manhandling students, call security, that’s what they are paid for.” True talk. Because if to say na CCTV dey there, this gist no for long reach social media court of law.
As e be now, Niger Delta University management never talk pim. Nigerians dey wait like viewers wey no wan miss season finale. Online judges dey shout “Suspend the lecturer, him no behave professional.” Others dey roar “Expel the student, indiscipline too much.”
Las las e bi like say exam hall don officially join the list of dangerous zones in Nigeria after fuel station and Danfo bus stop. My people, naija education system na real action film.
*Southerner Xtra
Trending with Nancy Mbaegbu
Sunday, 31, 2025
