By Nancy Mbaegbu
My people, we supposed to greet Happy New Month. But our mouth bitter pass bitter leaf. Every day we wake up, Nigeria dey serve us one fresh heartbreak with hot Cameroon pepper. This time e no be gossip about politician or musician, na real life tragedy wey choke.
Somotochukwu
Somtochukwu Christelle Maduagwu, 29 years ARISE TV’s bright star, journalist and lawyer encounter wahala for her own house for Katampe, Abuja when armed robbers decide to turn her estate into open market raid.
In the chaos, reports say the poor lady try to save herself, jump from balcony like action heroine, land with serious injury. But the real gbas gbos no even end for there.
People rush am to Maitama General Hospital, and instead of doctors jumping into emergency mode, dem start to ask for identity card like say na banking hall.
One ARISE News anchors wey chook mouth for the matter with serious vex talk say according to wetin dem hear, Somtochukwu still dey breathe when dem reach but the hospital reject am.
But, on the flip side, the hospital yarn say, “No o, she don already pass before she reach here.” Nigerians no gree accept the hospital version. People dey shout online: “na so compassion die for this country?” Others dey ask, “Which kind medical training be this wey ID card go matter pass human life?”
As usual, social media buffs don turn am into court. Some dey drag the hospital like tiger generator rope, say na negligence. Some dey drag government, say Abuja don turn to wilderness where insecurity don high and citizens no safe inside their own apartment.
The rest just dey drag Nigeria itself, asking how long citizens go dey live in fear, not just from thieves, but of hospitals wey suppose be safe haven. Twitter/X don already baptize the matter: “Nigeria don happen to Somto.”
Sad thing be say at the end of the day, all the debates no go bring her back. One shining woman wey suppose celebrate 30th birthday this December, and gist even fly say she was engaged, is gone. May her gentle soul rest in peace.
Regina Daniels and her bathroom saga
My gist lovers, Regina Daniels don scatter everywhere again with one video wey fit make even village meeting pause for announcement. Madam carry phone, record her oga Senator Ned Nwoko, add background jam “Husbands Are Useless,” and boom, na so the internet catch fire.
For the video, Oga Ned dey bed dey rest with pikin, looking like man wey don pay bride price for seven generations. Next thing, camera shift enter bathroom, Senator dey set body to urinate, only for him to see madam with phone like paparazzi.
Regina sharp-sharp use caption “MINE” cover area wey no suppose see daylight. Trust online aunties and uncles, everybody suddenly become marriage counselor.
Backlash full ground like akara for morning market. Some shout say, “Why you go dey use that kain song for your husband?” Others blast her say she no get respect for elder statesman. One angry fan even talk, “Regina, must you show us bathroom before we believe you marry am?” Another add pepper: “This one no be marriage content, na national embarrassment.”
But Regina no gree carry last. She waka enter her page again, laughing like person wey know alert dey load Monday morning. She tell fans, “Una dey overreact abeg, na challenge I dey do.
If another person post am, una go laugh, but because say na me, una wan tear me with insult. Abeg shift!” She even warn haters make dem no go give her oga any suspicious idea wey fit affect Monday credit alert.
The babe still drop finishing line: “All of you, make una take waka!” as if she dey share gala for traffic. At this point, even Mama G for soundtrack go clap for her boldness. Regina Daniels na content supplier wey no dey run out of stock.
E bi like we go just brace ourselves for the next episode because as e be, Regina no dey play, she dey serve gbas gbos content like jollof for Sunday afternoon.
How 11-year-old scattered a wedding
Who go believe say after bride don sow gown, hall don book, and asoebi don nearly finish for market, na ordinary “Aunty” matter scatter everything.
One bride wey hold master’s degree like trophy just chop premium heartbreak because she no gree call her fiancé’s 11-year-old niece Aunty Temilade. Yes o, na pikin wey still dey watch cartoons come hold person marital destiny hostage.
According to the babe, the wahala start the day when she asked Temilade to help zip her dress. Mama-in-law waka like EFCC, catch her in the act, shout: “Why you call her Temilade? She be your small mother-in-law. Address her as Aunty Temilade!” Bride nearly faint. She say, “But ma, she no be my aunty,” na from there the family meeting of shame begin.
E no end there, 15-year-old niece join the matter after bride greet her with “O” instead of “E” in Yoruba. Mother-in-law blow whistle again, accuse bride of disrespect. The babe try explain say she senior these girls with almost two decades, but mama no gree. She declare final judgment: “If you no fit add aunty and uncle to everybody name even two-year-old, you no go marry my son.”
Instead of future hubby to defend am, the guy join choir, talk say bride too proud. Babe vex, drop her CV like LinkedIn update: “I be first child, I hold master’s degree, I run successful business. You expect me to dey call pikin wey never write common entrance exam Aunty? Mbanu!” Na so mama-in-law summon elders and cancel the marriage like horror film for DSTV.
Internet people no keep quiet o. One commentstor write: “If you no fit call 11-year-old aunty, how you wan survive when dem ask you to kneel down for toddler?” Somebody even joke: “She think say na marriage, meanwhile na apprenticeship she dey enter.” And of course, one wicked fan drop finishing: “If na Otedola daughter, dem go call her Baby aunty?”
As at now, the bride don declare herself single again, thanking God say she never pack enter finish. She talk say make we pray for her, but e be like streets don judge am already.
Cubana Chief Priest vs healthcare brouhaha
E be like karma dey run express this 2025 o. Cubana Chiefpriest don turn emergency patient for Nigeria healthcare wahala wey him dismissed one time.
The nightlife big man carry him chest go Instagram, narrate how him waka from Ikoyi hospital to Lekki hospital, yet no doctor show face. One place even give am long online form to fill, as if man dey apply for visa, not treatment. Last-last, oga cure himself with malaria and typhoid drugs wey him buy on his own.
Instead of pity, Nigerians use am catch cruise. People remind am say no be the same government wey him dey hail up and down? No be him kneel down greet Tinubu and Shettima like lost prodigal son? No be him dey rock Asiwaju cap like uniform? Internet tell am straight: “Enjoy the government wey you support.”
Comments begin rain like Lagos thunderstorm. Some people mock am say next time wey him see political idols, make him kneel down ask for paracetamol. Others clap for am with eye smile: “You were shouting support, now na you dey feel reality wey ordinary citizens dey face daily.”
Online judges say “man wey suppose use him voice push for better system now dey rush go UK for treatment.”But as Nigerians talk, his own headache na small sample of the sickness everybody dey endure every day: long queues, absent doctors, and pharmacies wey dey act like say dem be God.
Now, instead of sympathy, Cubana don turn textbook example of how blind loyalty dey backfire. And trust Nigerians, dem no go ever let am forget say the same cap wey him wear proudly na the cap wey him go use cover tears.
*Southerner Xtra with Nancy Mbaegbu