By Nancy Mbaegbu
The kind things person dey hear these days for this country dey surprise person no be small. This Akwa Ibom gist go make you begin fear to engage for small quarrel as e be like say love don dey expire faster than sachet milk these days.
One fine Army doctor, Lieutenant Samson Haruna, wey just marry five months ago, don waka go meet him ancestors after one domestic wahala with his wife, Mrs. Retyit Haruna wey turn their home for Wellington Bassey Barracks into burnt offering territory.
The tori wey first trend talk say his wife, vex during domestic quarrel, carry fuel, light matches, and before anybody fit shout “Jesus!”, their love story don turn smoke and tears.
Lieutenant Haruna suffer severe burns, dem rush am go the Battalion Medical Facility before transferring him to University of Uyo Teaching Hospital. But by early Tuesday morning, the man no make am. Just like that, wedding photos don turn obituary picture.
Reports talk say the man na Regimental Medical Officer for 6 Battalion inside Wellington Bassey Barracks, and na for that same barracks the drama play out. People for there say the couple don dey serve couple goals before wahala sneak enter like rat wey smell fried fish.
The Nigerian Army drop statement say dem strongly condemn the act and don start investigation. Dem still preach about peace and communication among couples. Communication ke? Once anger don wear combat boots, peace dey pack commot from the house.
Social media melt. Some dey shout “fear women,” others dey say “men too dey provoke.” Nigerians and cruise ehn. Even tragedy no dey stop them from typing essay with confidence.
But before social media even cool down, new update wey scatter the internet like generator explosion land. According to madam herself, the whole gist no be how people talk am o. She say her husband been dey beat her steady sotey she even suffer miscarriage.
She talk say on that fateful day, the man threaten to burn her with lighter. But as he wan move, him leg mistakenly kick gallon of fuel wey dey nearby,. The fuel come pour everywhere. Next thing, as oga allegedly on the lighter, na so fire take catch am, and she sef sustain burns join.
Another eyewitness gist claim say when dem rush the man go hospital, he even beg him fellow soldiers make dem no touch the wife because she no do anything, say na accident and na him fault. People even add say the woman has been released from army custody.
But you know Nigerians, dem no gree swallow the story like communion bread. Some dey ask, “Fuel no dey get smell again? Who dey play lighter where petrol dey?” Others dey insist make the military talk true because this gist still get hidden corner.
As e be, everybody dey wait for the official army investigation to confirm who really cause the tragedy. But this Akwa Ibom love story don turn real-life cautionary tale about anger and violence.
Diddy’s unscripted ending
My people, this gist wey land my table of trending matters show say true true life no balance. One minute you dey host billionaire parties, dey pop champagne, next minute you dey practice silence for courtroom.
Diddy, our bad boy for life and king of flash and fast life himself don officially become prison boy. Judge don dash am 50 months ie 4 years to cool body for uncle Sam guest house (prison). Na four years and small change of serious reflection. Even karma dey sip wine dey smile.
This no be ordinary wahala o. Since last year, Diddy court matter don turn to real-life telenovela wey no get happy ending. Dem accuse am say him dey organise “freak-off festivals”. Na those coded parties wey be like enjoyment Olympics.
Allegations full everywhere: drugs, coercion, and transportation of people cross state lines for commercial romance, etc. But Diddy swear say na lie. Him claim say everything na “consensual fun among adults, say nobody force anybody. But court talk say, consent no cover crime, so consent or not, oga still break law.
Finally as dem pronounce sentence, Diddy face strong like fufu wey don expire. The courtroom silence even fit cook jollof rice. The man wey once shout: “can’t stop, won’t stop” don finally hear “you go stop by force.”
To crown am, dem still fine am $500,000 and add 5 years of supervised release; meaning FBI go dey monitor am like generator wey dey leak fuel.
Social media no pity am. One person talk say, “from bad boy records to bad boy rekord.” Another write, “Diddy go finally drop him first prison freestyle.” Even fans begin type #FreeDiddy but others reply say, “Abeg, leave am make he serve him remix of reality.”
Funny thing be say, Diddy no even get the heavy sentence wey people expect. Court clear am from the heavy charges like racketeering and sex trafficking by force but still held him for violating federal laws on moving people across state lines for paid sexual activity, even if dem claim say na consensual. So technically, na partial victory but full disgrace.
Now, the same Diddy that hosted billionaire yacht parties don dey arrange for prison cafeteria. From Dom Pérignon to prison porridge; life really no balance at all. But make we talk true, this one na reminder say karma no dey rush, e just dey use map. And when e locate your address, my dear, even private jet no fit fly you comot.
Minister with fake certificates
My people, this country no go ever let person sip cold zobo in peace. Just when you think we’ve seen and heard it all, another headline land like thunder wey miss road.
Nigeria’s Minister of Innovation, Science and Technology, Uche Nnaji, don resign after dem catch am allegedly rocking fake certificates. Abeg, who dey sell this particular brand of academic innovation for market because our leaders dey patronize dem steady like wholesale customers.
The whole kasala start when Premium Times investigative journalists decide to play local FBI. Dem say make dem verify the credentials of some top officials, and na so dem stumble on Uche Nnaji’s paperwork wey begin raise eyebrow.
Dem first trace am reach University of Nigeria Nsukka (UNN) where he claimed he got his degree. The school check register, open file, blow dust comot from old records, check graduate list, dig out old records like archaeologists, no trace of the man as a graduate.
Journalists come say, “Okay, maybe NYSC go clear the air.” Dem waka go NYSC office, but the officials there just shake head talk say, “We no know this person. Him name no dey our system.”
After dem confirm the info from both UNN and NYSC, the journalists no just keep the gist for drawer, dem publish full investigative report online.
Once that report land internet, everywhere begin boil like indomie without water. Nigerians rush the report like gossip buffet. Comments, memes, and analysis start to fly like puff-puff for children’s party.
Before person fit shake head, social media don turn the man to group project. One person tweet, “So Minister of Innovation innovate him own degree?” Another clap back, “At least the innovation work small until journalists press calculator.” Nigerians no let am breathe. Screenshots, receipts, and sarcasm start to fly like election promises.
But Oga Minister no gree o. Him come out boldly talk say he no dey guilty of any forgery, that all this wahala na political blackmail from enemies wey wan spoil him name. Yet, in the middle of all the drama, the same man still drop him resignation letter.
According to him, the resignation no mean confession, na just because him no wan make scandal distract government work. Internet people hear that one burst laugh. One person comment “This one na I’m innocent but I’m tired’ kind of resignation. Another person talk say, “If na blackmail, why your name no dey graduate list?” The dragging reach level 10.
President Tinubu no even blink, him accept the resignation sharp-sharp like person wey don already print new appointment letter. President even add thank you note.
Meanwhile, internet people don turn the resignation to live concert; some dey suggest make him go reapply for JAMB, others say make NYSC design new khaki for am name am “uniform of regret.”
Now Nigerians dey ask: how many more ministers get certificate wey go melt under small investigation? Because if dem check well, photocopy centers go soon begin register as government parastatals.
Actress Laide Bakare’s parenting shakes the internet
Aprokonation, na so we wake up again to another social media thunderstorm and this time, Laide Bakare na the lightning in the middle of it.
The actress enter one interview with content creator Mr Lilgaga and dropped confession wey scatter the internet like buka plate for Benin. She talk say she personally introduced her daughter to clubbing and alcohol at age 17. Yes, you read am right!! seventeen. Even shock get goosebumps.
According to Aunty Laide, she no see anything wrong. In her own words, “I took my daughter to the club for the first time at 17. I like the fact that in her memoir, she’ll mention me as the one who introduced her to alcohol and clubbing.”
Omo, Nigerians no even allow the microphone land before dem start to type essays. Everywhere catch fire. Some people talk say she dey raise a party mate, not a child.
As for the rest of the country, the outrage sweet like pepper soup gist. One person for X talk say, “Which mother dey proud to turn her child to club partner?” Another just shake head say, “Many of these celebrities no suppose near parenting handbook.”
But my people, before we crucify the woman finish, small minority still say maybe she dey try build openness with her daughter. You know that “better she do it with me than outsider” mentality.
Still, the wahala no small. Nigerians don turn the matter to full-blown debate about parenting, morals, and how early enjoyment suppose start. Some say at 17, the girl need sense, not shayo. Others say if mama no guide am, streets go help her. But abeg, who guide who inside club wey DJ dey scream, “Raise your glass!”
One person call am “modern parenting,” another called it “parenting disaster.” Either way, Aunty Laide don successfully open national parent-child clubbing conference. Whether she go get standing ovation or parental caution, we no know. But e clear say Nigerians no go let this gist rest anytime soon.
*Southerner Xtra —Trending with Nancy Mbaegbu
