By Nancy Mbaegbu
Just when we think say Easter go pass quietly with jollof rice, bunny ears, and soft life—boom, scandal land like thunder for group chat. Not more than two seconds after “He is Risen” finished trending,, we heard, “Hold my communion wine.” But before we fit say “Amen,” Shimite Bello, a.k.a Madam Sabificate, don become the tragic headline wey nobody saw coming.
This no be ordinary woman o. Shimite na real-life power plug business guru, political titan, and senior adviser to the Governor of Delta State, Rt Hon Sheriff Oborevwori. But while she dey balance state budgets and empower small businesses, her love life dey collect technical red cards back to back. Na so we hear.
After two ex-husbands, madam still enter ring for round three with one fine, spirit-filled Pastor David Favour Love. Yes, na em real name o, no be gospel song.
Now fast-forward to Easter Sunday. Asaba was calm, rice dey boil, and next thing—pa! News burst like tyre for Third Mainland Bridge. Shimite was gone. Just like that. Them say she reach hospital dey foam for mouth. Foam for mouth? No be ulcer,? No be “I too chop?” People never even wear shoe, dem don already dey shout poison. Social media don turn CSI Asaba overnight.
And who dem carry eye face? Pastor Favour Love her husband, her ‘heavenly sent’ love. But according to her family, the man get vibes wey pass possessive. Dem say he isolated her from everybody, friends, siblings, even air sef. E get one gist wey say her properties don waka go him name like say dem dey play Monopoly. Dem say our sister no just marry husband, e be like she marry estate agent join.
Police come drop their usual grammar: “He’s not under arrest, he’s in protective custody.” Ehn? Protective from who? From ghosts or from justice? Because if you ask Shimite’s people, dem go tell you say justice suppose carry cutlass enter this matter. And let’s not forget, this was her third marriage. Sister try! She believed in love pass motivational speaker. But na love still betray her for junction. No be me talk so o.
The most painful part? This woman wasn’t just somebody’s wife. She was a builder, a mentor, a boss. From small businesses to state-level strategy, she was that girl. But now, her whole legacy dey buried under suspicious headlines and “what if”s. Omo, life no balance at all.
So what’s next? We wait for the autopsy. We dey watch police like film. And we hold our friends close especially the ones in ‘godly’ relationships. Because PhD in business no mean you sabi avoid red flag. As for Pastor Love? Only God, autopsy result, and Twitter FBI fit unpack the full story. But one thing clear, this gist don enter the group chat of eternity.
Why Ibiyeomie hates poor people
Just when we were still recovering from the shocking loss of Madam Sabificate and sipping water to cool our burnt chest, our tissue never dry finish, Pastor Ibiyeomie of Salvation Ministry, carry mic and dropped hot takes that nearly burnt the pulpit and Twitter to ashes. If you missed Sunday service, no worry, I bring the sermon with full subtitles and hot pepper.
Pastor Ibiyeomie, yes the same man of God that doesn’t miss his mic, decided to shake the internet with one sermon hotter than party Jollof. According to baba, Jesus no like poverty. Not “Jesus doesn’t support poverty” o Jesus HATES it. As in, Jesus dey waka pass poor people house like, “I no dey do low budget visitation.”
According to the pastor, if you like, read your Bible from Matthew to Revelation, you won’t find a single verse where Jesus entered a poor man’s house. But He entered Zacchaeus’ mansion, the tax man with EFCC energy. He visited Lazarus’ place where dem dey cook like party dey every weekend. In short, Pastor Ibiyeomie said if your house no get small AC or enough bread to serve at least five disciples, Jesus go just wave from outside.
But that wasn’t even the final blow. The pastor shouted, sounding like a guest speaker at Forbes Conference “He died for you not to be poor, you can come to Christ poor, but to remain poor? Nah. That one na disrespect to grace.” My dear, wahala for who no get bank app alert. Somebody shout “riches locate me now!”
As usual, social media exploded like December fuel price. The comment section turn townhall. One person wrote, “Pastor don turn Jesus to Forbes ambassador.” Another one said, “So if Jesus came today, na Banana Island he go lodge?” Somebody even posted one meme with Jesus walking past a mud house like, “My Father’s house has many mansions. Yours does not qualify.” I weak!
While some people were dragging the message like NEPA wire, others were nodding like, “Pastor no lie o, suffering no dey glorify God.” But internet children? They had no chill. Someone tweeted, “Even Peter wey deny Jesus three times still had a boat… you nko?” The shade was so rich, even the timeline started tithing.
My people whether you agree or not, one thing is clear: in this economy, even Jesus no fit chill where vibes no dey. So pray o, but also hustle. Because according to Pastor Ibiyeomie, Heaven helps those wey no dey manage rice with sachet water.
Texas and war on vibrators
Aprokonation, let’s quickly shift small from Naija wahala to international gist because America don finally jam their own type of witchcraft. Just when we were trying to mind our Naija business and hustle our jollof in peace, America don enter full spiritual warfare. But guess who they’re fighting? People who dey masturbate. I no lie you. Republicans look gun violence, economic crash, healthcare wahala, and said, “Leave all that. Na vibrator dey spoil this country.”
Leading this new ministry of “Thou shall not buzz” is Texas Senator Angela Paxton. Madam wake up, look her husband who just so happens to be the Attorney General, and said, “Honey, do you know what’s shaking this nation? Not inflation. Not gunshots. It’s them dildos with rechargeable battery.” Before we fit shout “na play?” she dropped a whole bill to cage pleasure seekers and treat them like say na escaped convicts.
Under this bill, if you wan buy anything wey dey shake, vibrate or jiggle, you go need ID, age verification and possibly small affidavit. To get one vibrator now, you must pass screening like say you wan collect visa to heaven. Even CIA no dey do pass like this. All because person wan chase stress comot body.
As if that one no do, another bill say make Walmart, CVS, and even innocent Target stop selling anything wey dey whine waist. You wan buy toothpaste and small peace of mind? Dem go redirect you go strip club or back alley like say na drug deal you dey run. Wetin be this now? Na vibrator or vanishing cream?
Oh, and plot twist: Texas already get one ancient law from 2003 wey talk say you can’t own more than six “obscene devices.” So if you like variety; one for stress, one for mood, one for when NEPA take light, you’re now officially a criminal. Just like that, you don graduate from “single babe” to “vibrator kingpin.” Pablo Escobar sef go shock.
As expected, the internet catch fire. One person shout, “Why GOP fear orgasm pass gunshot?” Another post show one pink vibrator under WANTED poster: “Runs on AA battery. Considered dangerous. Do not approach if buzzing.” Honestly, these people don turn sex toy to nuclear weapon.
So if you’re heading to Texas, hide your vibes like contraband rice because in their new constitution, climax is a crime and only legal buzz na coffee. God abeg. Na who we offend for this planet like this?
The flight that shook the community
If you thought the week was done dishing drama, think again. Before we could blink twice, one babe burst timeline with aviation grade gist hotter than Lagos runway at 2PM. No warning. No filter. Just pure cruise and extra pepper.
Gold Ike, a certified baddie with more confidence than a Lagos landlady during rent season did not come to play. Sis boarded a plane and triggered a village-wide thanksgiving service.
Now wait o, she no relocate to Canada o. She no even enter private jet. She just flew regular commercial aircraft. But according to community gist, Gold is the first human being from her entire village to ever touch aircraft aisle. Her landing sparked celebrations louder than election victory. In fact, dem fit soon rename the village Gold International.
A normal person go just post picture with caption like “blessed and grateful” and move on. But Gold? Lailai. Sis entered sky and made sure ground hear am. From the moment she landed, it was banner, balloons, DJ and one uncle who claimed “Dorime” played when she walked in. The banner sef carry her full slay photo with bold text like Grammy award “OUR GOLD HAS FLOWN.”
The party? Mad o. Rice flowed like deliverance anointing. Drinks no finish. Children dey dance like dem dey audition for MTN project fame. Elders lined up like say na visa interview. You go think say na president dem dey welcome. One woman even shouted, “Our ancestors can now rest in peace!” Because apparently, the curse of being airborne-less has been broken.
Social media? Scattered! One person tweeted, “Did she fly or did she ascend like Elijah?” Another one talk say, “Hope she collect in-flight pounded yam?” Even haters wey dey beef silently still download the video. As if that wasn’t enough, Air Peace entered the gist with their corporate wrapper: “We’re proud to be part of your history.” Ah! This babe don win aviation influencer of the year.
So make nobody shame your testimony. If na one flight you fly, fly it loud. If dem talk say “na just plane she enter,” ask dem “but did your village throw party when you entered Keke?” Because in this economy, celebration na coping strategy and Gold Ike na our Minister of Vibes.
*Trending with Nancy Mbaegbu
Culled from Southerner Xtra
