By Nancy Mbaegbu
My aprokonation, e be like say Anambra state politics don finally enter season of DNA challenges, cathedral oaths, body odour allegations, and fake PhD drama. First Lady of Anambra state, Nonye Soludo, don unleash thunder on APC deputy governorship candidate, Senator Uche Ekwunife.
The matter sef no start from odour gist. Na Governor Soludo first fire shot, accuse Ekwunife of parading fake PhD. Na that one provoke her clapback, wey she drop with full chest say Governor Soludo get “body odour” and “smelly mouth” plus claim say Soludo and him madam dey inside Mbadinuju government back in the day.
But instead make Nonye just brush am off, she carry the matter, soak am for kerosene, then strike match.
Madam First Lady no even waste grammar. She say “For my 55 years on this earth, na only one man I sabi; Chukwuma Soludo. I never work for anybody, I no know late Governor Mbadinuju, and abeg, if Ekwunife dey doubt, make we go cathedral swear oath.”
As if the fire no already qdey hot enough, Nonye Soludo carry the wahala upgrade. “Madam, let’s do DNA tests for our children in three London hospitals. I go even sponsor your tickets plus your family own. If your husband truly father all your pikin, I go dash you money on top.”
E no end there, she add another challenge over Ekwunife’s allegedly fake PhD degree, daring her to produce verifiable proof of the certificates. Omo, na challenge wey no dey for political textbook be this o. From body odour to cathedral oaths to DNA showdown to fake PhD. Na so campaign matter don turn ultimate verification war.
Ekwunife no waste time, she bring out her degrees show for public, even her supporters carry am turn cruise say, “After all, no be Soludo himself wey dem dey call honorary Professor?”
Internet pieces immediately. People dey shout say, “Na governorship race or Jerry Springer audition?” Some even suggest say if dem wan really prove point, make dem stream the test live for YouTube.
As for Senator Ekwunife, she no gree enter the DNA battlefield at all. She quickly shift gear enter reverse. She claim say the statement wey cause all this wahala na just “friendly advice.” Friendly advice wey land us inside cathedral oath, DNA test, and PhD accusation? Abeg, who dey deceive who?
She even add say Mrs. Soludo no owe her any explanation; if madam get issues, make she discuss am with her husband, not her. In short, Ekwunife don wash her hands comot.
But gist never end, because Nonye already call lawyers, talk say if apology no land within 72 hours, court summons go fly. Nigerians dey front row with popcorn, waiting to see if this matter go end in courtroom, hospital lab, cathedral, or maybe all three.
Omo, politics for Naija don finally upgrade. No be manifesto we dey debate again, na oaths of chastity, DNA packages, body odour allegations, and fake PhD challenges dey enter campaign rally. As e be so, na who sabi swear and spit fire go win argument.
Jollof rice that shook Lagos
Ladies and gentlemen, gather here make I yarn una the latest tori wey still dey pepper social media. You remember Chef Hilda Baci? The same babe wey don already enter Guinness World Records last year for her mad cook-a-thon? Well, she no gree rest.
Hilda don cook the biggest pot of jollof rice wey human eye don ever see, and just like that history nearly scatter inside hot pepper stew.
From morning till night, Lagos Eko hotel turn carnival ground. People troop in, celebrities sef no carry last. The aroma alone fit wake dead ancestors from sleep. Everything dey move smoothly until the final exam reach; the weighing.
As dem bring crane come hoist the almighty pot, gbam! The pot collapse under em own weight. Omo, crowd shout “Jesus!” like na rapture. Some dey laugh, some dey cry, some still dey hustle to taste small spoon. Everybody just dey hold phone dey record history live.
And the taste? My people, na hot debate. Some call am “perfect smoky jollof,” others claim say the rice “no done well, no sweet and burn small” but e still enter belle. One joker even tweet, “If Guinness no recognize this, Nigerians go recognize am with chieftaincy title: Hilda Baci, Minister of Jollof Affairs.”
As if collapsed pot matter no hot enough, our Ghana brothers rush enter the chat. Dem carry one old 2019 backyard video of their own “mega jollof” dey shout say na them inspire Hilda.
Nigerians just hiss; “Inspiration no be record. Where Guinness certificate dey for una hand?” Social media nearly burn that night.
Whether pot bend or pot break Hilda don stamp her name on history again as two time record holder. Ghana fit argue from now till december, but Hilda don show say when Nigerians set pot on fire, the whole continent go smell am. Simple.
Port Harcourt runway drama
My gistlovers, gather round because wahala don land for Nigerian airspace again o. Imagine boarding a flight thinking your biggest problem na turbulence, only to discover say the real turbulence dey inside cockpit.
On July 13, passengers wey board Air Peace from Lagos to Port Harcourt nearly turn prayer warriors after the plane land like keke wey brake fail. Instead of gentle touchdown, the Boeing 737 overshoot runway as if pilot dey rehearse stunt. 103 passengers dey inside, hearts in their mouths, yet by the Grace of God nobody wound.
NSIB no waste time. Dem check the crew, run toxicology tests, and na there story burst open. Dem say both captain and first officer test positive for alcohol marker; Ethyl Glucuronide. Bros and him co-pilot sip small joy before carrying human beings 35,000 feet And to add extra pepper, one crew member still test positive for THC (cannabis). My people, na airline dem dey operate abi na rooftop bar?
The investigators no even smile or sugarcoat am at all. Dem talk say intoxicants inside cockpit fit scatter lives in seconds. Safety recommendations don drop sharp sharp.
But wait, Air Peace sef no gree sit quietly. Dem talk say dem never receive official NSIB gist, and dem swear say dem get zero tolerance for alcohol and igbo. According to them, captain was grounded but no be because of alcohol but because of crew wahala management. So who we go believe now, official bureau or airline wey dey guard their image like gold chain?
Final investigation still dey cook, but my people, one thing clear, we no come know if na turbulence we go fear again abi na pilot’s bloodstream we wan dey check before boarding. Abeg, make dem hurry release final report, because right now e be like plot twist wey still dey hide last episode.
Doctor caught in mid-surgery fling
Omo, this gist na premium shocker. Imagine you dey unconscious for surgery table, trusting professionals with your life, only for oga doctor to sneak off because him manhood dey want to do press up.
Na wetin happen for Tameside Hospital, Greater Manchester, where Dr. Suhail Anjum, a consultant anaesthetist, abandon patient mid-surgery, pass baton give colleague in the name of comfort break, and vanish enter another theatre to entangle with Nurse C. But Comfort break turn to comfort disgrace.
As life would have it, one unlucky colleague jam door open and gbam! see dem for compromising position. The poor witness nearly collect hypertension on the spot. As in patient dey under anaesthesia, doctor dey under Nurse C. Which kain konji hold doctor like this?
Tribunal wey hear the matter, everybody jaw drop. Counsel for GMC, Andrew Molloy, talk say abandoning anaesthetised patient na crime against trust because na human being life we dey discuss, no be mannequin. Dem talk say thankfully, patient no suffer any harm, surgery still finish well. But the misconduct dey heavy like trailer accident.
When dem confront Doctor Anjum, him no even drag matter. Him raise hand confess quick: “Yes, it was shameful, I only have myself to blame.” Doc, shameful no even start the description. Na public disgrace carry megaphone shout your name be this. Him add say na “stressful family time” push am. Oga, na stress push you to abandon human being wey dey unconscious?
Nurse C too don enter spotlight, though tribunal package the name under secrecy. But social media no dey ever keep quiet; comments dey fly like mosquito. Some dey shout “revoke license immediately,” others dey mock say “hospital don turn adult playground.”
For now, Doctor Anjum dey beg for second chance, but his career don already collect heavy blow. Anyway, tribunal still dey deliberate, but UK people no go ever forget the gist because patient nearly waka go spirit world, nurse nearly lose uniform, and doctor don use one comfort break scatter career. Truly, wonders dey manufacture daily for this life.
