By Nancy Mbaegbu
Gistnation, abeg shift small. Wahala don wear sneakers again, and this time, it involves ex-lovers, police, and a wanted poster hotter than Lagos sun. Ihuoma Julia Nneji, daughter of ABC Transport boss, just land for Nigerian Police wanted list, like say she rob bullion van. No call, no invite, zero courtesy, just straight Instagram announcement. Even DSTV sends reminder before they cut you off. Na wa
According to Julia, she hear the news like the rest of us on social media. Her alleged crime? Defamation and cyberstalking. But according to her, she no defame anybody. In fact, na she be the victim! And the alleged puppeteer of this madness? Her ex-fiancé, Henry Uzochukwu, the lover boy turned tormentor-in-chief and full-time complaint commissioner.
Julia said she met Henry April 2024, love was choking them, wedding was set for November, but by August, she pull emergency brake. Reason? Oga Henry’s sexuality get question mark. She say Henry fit be gay. Sis say man dey dodge gist about past babes like NEPA dodge stable light. Her spirit say, “Something no add up,” and she just couldn’t ignore the signs anymore. Wahala wear tuxedo.
After canceling the engagement, Julia activated her inner FBI. She dig small and discover say Henry don propose like five times, but all the babes dey vanish before wedding like Nigeria’s hope during fuel scarcity. One even run one week to her big day. Ahhhh, Julia really dodge this bullet like Matrix.
Henry did not take the heartbreak calmly. He allegedly launched threats, harassment, and the classic toxic ex move: he accused her of running a faceless Instagram account dragging him. Julia say abeg, she no get time for that kind petty project. But Henry dey shout “It’s her!” like person wey see winch. Next thing, he called his Avengers; VDM and Madam Kemi who begin drop videos like dem dey collect award for Defamation Olympics.
Babe say na Henry dey pull strings behind all the online gbas gbos, using VDM and Kemi like social media puppets to distract us, while hiding his own skeletons. She refused to sit down dey collect stray bullets. Madam carried the matter reach High Court Abuja. But did Henry rest? No, bros launched fresh blog shade. Next thing, police drop wanted poster like Netflix teaser. No invite, no heads-up, just straight to bulletin.
Now she dey shout injustice louder than generator without silencer. She say the real criminal na the man wey wan use marriage do PR makeover. As for the sexuality matter, sis no talk much, but the silence get Bluetooth speaker. Because truly, when person dey do crisis control like political campaign, something don definitely burn inside pot. Now, we dey wait for court, timeline dey hot, we dey sip zobo, screenshot evidence and press refresh for Episode 2.
Sex toy ends a marriage
Just when we think say Nigerian marriages don finish with all the wahala, one husband waka enter family meeting, and just like that, the phrase “till death do us part” change meaning. This time, no be side chick matter, no heartbreak, nah vibrator carry all the wahala come scatter everywhere.
It started like small matter, one man, one marriage, and one unexpected discovery. A Nigerian man stumbled upon adult toys in his wife’s bag. Instead of just asking questions like a sensible husband, he carry the whole matter to family meeting like say na land dispute, ready to drag anybody wey go talk.
In the now viral video, our man stood in front of elders, hold the toys up like FBI evidence. “Head of the family, see wetin she dey use!” he shouted with all the righteous anger in the world, forgetting say na plastic and silicone him dey fight, not spirits. The wife? She just sat there, cool as cucumber, no shaking. “I no use am,” she said, voice as steady as calm sea. But even if she use am, na crime? At least na solo action, no side guy involved.
But the man say e no fit stay with woman wey dey hide things. According to him, it’s betrayal. Betrayal because of vibrator? Oga, calm down na, nobody die. But before we fit judge, the elders start to question the man: “You dey come house at all?” “You dey satisfy am emotionally or physically?” One aunty even tell am: “If you no press remote, she go find backup plan.” Wahala for who no dey press button!
Twitter exploded with sharp comments and premium sarcasm. One tweet say, “Man dey shout over sex toys, meanwhile wife dey loyal to plastic. Oga no even know say na grace dey cover am.” Another one talk, “When your rival comes with charger and zero complaints.”
But the real table-shaker? The 8-year-old girl wey just siddon dey look this X-rated family drama unfold. Na there dragging start proper. “Why pikin dey middle of this conversation?” one person ask. “Una no fit tell am, ‘Baby, go inside, adults are talking’?” Another person shout, “Sex toy display like frying pan in front of pikin. Una no get shame?”
Honestly, only in Nigeria you go see marriage matter turn into family tribunal, because one man no fit admit say maybe him own battery don spoil.
At the end of the day, the real wahala no be the toy. Na the ego. Instead of asking why your wife dey look for gadgets, you carry the whole family go judge plastic. Oga, sometimes it’s not spiritual attack, it’s low performance. Go and recharge yourself before shouting divorce up and down.
Pastor marries ‘Brother in Christ’
My people, just when we still dey recover from vibrator wahala, another one don land like NEPA light. This time, na Ghanaian pastor, based for America, wey carry celibacy for head like anointing oil, only to enter marriage and jam transformer. As in, literal gbola. Big one. Holy Ghost did not see this one coming.
So, the story be say, this pastor don dey preach “no knacking before marriage because it’s a sin” since 2012. Bros dey rebuke breast, bind waist, and fast anytime breeze blow skirt near am. He finally married. Wedding night, he carry wife enter honeymoon suite, expectations high, lights dimmed, only for the “bride” to unzip and reveal what Adam brought from the Garden of Eden. Gbola. Original one. Na there gospel end and horror film begin.
Pastor pause. No shout. No speaking in tongues. No “Holy Spirit take control.” Man just reach for knife like say na demon deliverance night. Reports talk say he give am over 40 stabs, like he was fighting principalities. By the time the Holy Spirit could whisper “thou shall not kill,” the bride don kpai. Wedding night wey suppose sweet like gala and cold Pepsi turn episode of Criminal Minds: Pastor’s Edition. Drama no dey finish for this life.
Online? Chaos. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, everywhere scatter. One user said, “After waiting all these years, he finally got action but not the kind he prayed for.” Another added, “Next time, ask if your bride comes with charger and gbola.” Some asked why she didn’t disclose, others screamed, “But Pastor, murder no dey New Testament commandments oh!”
Now, police don carry am. Charges dey ground, courtroom dey prepare Bible-resistant evidence. All that holiness, fasting, and purity don turn to handcuff. You waited to avoid sin, only to commit one that carry life sentence? Oga, you go explain tire. This one pass spiritual heartbreak, na judgement day preview.
Abeg before you say “I do,” better ask questions. Touch light everything, confirm say the “she” no come with brotherly blessings. Do spiritual and biological background check. Because love is blind, yes, but make e no be deaf, dumb and senseless join.
UK Supreme Court draws the line on gender
Let’s shift from Naija gist small, because this one na international wahala wey go make you wonder if the UK don turn courtroom into reality show. The UK Supreme Court just shake the table with a ruling that could give all those “gender identity” debates, a new twist. The message? if you still carry factory-fitted gbola, you no fit stroll enter female-only space like say na family meeting. Identity is personal, yes, but when law enter the matter, biology dey talk pass everybody.
This whole drama started when one trans woman who transitioned while serving time in a male prison, applied to move to the women’s section. Authorities said, “Sure, no wahala,” and approved it.
But before she go even unpack, wahala land. The female inmates begin raise voice “This one dey claim woman but still dey carry energy like power bank on full charge!” And just like that, allegations of harassment start to fly like no tomorrow. Before we fit blink, the authorities pack her back to the men’s wing like say she order the wrong food.
She vex carry matter go court, shouting, “This na discrimination!” But the UK Supreme Court open case file, adjust wig, sip small legal tea, give one professional nod, and hit us with the verdict: “You identify as woman, yes. But if your engine part no match the protected space requirements, entry denied.”
Social media? Melted. Trans activists dey vex, feminists dey shout “Finally!”, and confused onlookers just dey shine eye like thief. One person tweet, “She wan identify as woman, but the system say, ‘Oya, show us bodywork first.’” Another one reply, “You fit identify, but the prison go still check ‘original parts.’”
Europe now dey peep like nosy neighbor from behind curtain. Some countries dey say, “Maybe we go copy this verdict.” Others dey pretend say dem no see anything. As usual, the internet don turn courtroom, comments everywhere, hot takes flying like mosquitoes in rainy season.
In this gender matter, make sure your identity, anatomy and legal documents no dey argue like divorced couple. Because as the UK just remind everybody, you fit identify as anything, but if body part still dey misbehave, door fit jam for your face.
*Trending with Nancy Mbaegbu, Southerner Xtra
Sunday, May 4, 2025
